|
|
PREPARING SOUTH AFRICA FOR THE WORLD |
Popular Sunday Times columnist Ben Trovato takes a hard-hitting look at what South Africa can expect when it welcomes the world in 2010... Brazil A country with 192 million highly excitable people crammed onto 7500km of topless beaches. Main exports are coffee and cocaine. Dancing naked in the streets is a popular activity. Less popular are jokes about the pope. Although most Brazilians describe themselves as white, this is not always obvious to the naked eye. Think twice before complaining about the bloody coloureds taking up the whole bar. It could be Ronaldo and his cousins from the favelas. Spain & Mexico Although not strictly one country, they are similar to Brazil, only Spanish-speaking. They have something of the Zulu about them and are fiery people, especially when doused with tequila and set alight. Netherlands Afrikaners Lite. Without the Dutch influence, South Africa would be a very different country today. Draw your own conclusions. Netherlands has the potential to win the World Cup depending on access to home-grown product. Holland and Cape Town have much in common, like tulips and dykes, except Cape Town has no tulips. Germany Known for robbing us of the World Cup four years ago. Also known for invading Poland and, later, Camps Bay. Serious about their football. Serious about their beer. Serious about their sex. Nine months after the 2006 World Cup, Germany reported a 30% increase in births. Expect a new generation of ruthless property barons with blue eyes and guttural Cape Flats accents come March 2011. France Replacing the English as Ireland's number one enemy, France is tipped to win the World Cup because their strikers have been trained to use their hands when the ref isn't looking. England A country that has produced some excellent footballers and some truly appalling human beings. And I'm not just talking about the Beckhams or the Thatchers, or even the royal family. This nation of shoplifters will be here to steal the World Cup by any means necessary. Unable to hold their drink, let alone a halfway decent conversation, the British will be looking for trouble. Good. Let them try it. Isandlwana will seem like a picnic in comparison. Switzerland It is unlikely that the Swiss will even get to play. Lost luggage, incompetent hotel staff, hostile shop assistants, broken traffic lights, stinky beggars and corrupt cops will be way too much for them. They will crack soon after arriving and be on the first flight back to Zurich. Slovakia/Serbia/Slovenia The dark apocalyptic horses of the tournament. The only names that spring to mind when I think of this region are Slobodan Milosevic, Ratko Mladic and Radovan Karadzic. I suppose they were footballers of a sort. They attacked, then they defended, then they were sent to jail or hung by their necks until they were dead. Do not mess with these fans. Give them whatever they want. United States Twenty strapping young Americans are coming out here to play soccer instead of supporting their comrades in the war against terror. Shouldn't they be tackling the Taliban in Helmand province instead of New Zealand in Limpopo province? This is a country at war, for God's sake. They should behave accordingly. Having said that, buy their fans a drink if you can. The poor bastards are still trying to get over having a black man in the White House. Japan Vastly underrated, as the Americans discovered at Pearl Harbour. If you meet a fan from Japan, wait until he bows and then head-butt him. The Japanese respect people who know how to use the element of surprise, and if he is still conscious he will want to buy you drinks all evening. South Korea Their participation will only be worth something if they play against North Korea with a referee from Tokyo whose father pimped Korean comfort women to the Imperial Japanese Army for a living. Australia Lock up the sheep and hide your daughters. |
|
